Can I share my heart for a minute? Will you stop and listen? Or should I say “read”. 😊 I’ll warn you….This is a REALLY long one, but I beg you to read on. Especially if you are a part of our lives, and around our children. It would mean a lot to me. I’ve been thinking on this for a while and really prayed about how and what to say. I’d like to start by saying, if you’re looking for a debate on this, please don’t. That’s not my intention. I just want to educate others. I can’t expect people to change the way they talk about, or to, my family; or how people treat us and other families who have adopted, unless I first share what we are feeling. I hope you hear my heart in all of this.

Just like there are words and things you wouldn’t say to a person of a different ethnicity, or someone with a disability, etc, there are words (or phrases) that shouldn’t be said to families who have adopted, or their children. And the three biggest for me are: “child of your own”, “real mother/father” and referring to a child as being “bought”.  I know MOST of the time these words and phrases, and others like them aren’t meant to harm and are usually said with good intention. But unfortunately they do hurt. They hurt because they couldn’t be further from the truth. So i’d like to share why.

“Child of your own”- I’ve heard this A LOT. Especially after giving birth to Nelly, and now with this pregnancy. Did you know that the definition of “own” is: used with a possessive to emphasize that someone or something belongs or relates to the person or thing mentioned. So with that definition, ALL my kids are my “own” because they belong to AND relate to me. I did not take someone else’s child because I couldn’t have one. I adopted, welcomed and have loved the child that God gave me. My kid are not OWNED by me, but they BELONG to me. Doesn’t matter if I gave birth or I’m genetically or biologically related or not. And what’s funny is, if you saw my kids misbehaving in a store, you’d say “She doesn’t know how to manage HER OWN kids”. But when you see me give birth to a child, suddenly only one of my kids is “my own”. Perspective right? So now that we’ve clarified that one, the better way to say it is, “Congratulations! I’m so happy for you and your family that you are having another baby!” Period. We don’t need anything else. We aren’t “finally having a baby”. We’ve had two already, this side of heaven at least. And thank God He has chosen to give us another. Yes, we’ve waited a long time for each of our kids. And this baby is an absolute miracle! Just like my first-born (Cady) who survived despite some desperate situations in her birth family and culture. And just like my youngest (Nelly), who was frozen for 6 years before being placed in my womb. Both are miracles. They all are miracles.

Secondly, “real mom/dad- Ohh this one gets me! And I’ve heard it too! I’m sorry but I’m not Pinocchio. I want to scream, “I’m a real girl”. Lol. Although it probably wouldn’t get the right reaction these days. 😂 But I am a REAL person. If you pinch me, I yell. If you cut me, I bleed. If you say things that hurt, I cry. I have REALLY been there, all these years. I feed, nurse, clothe, love, instruct, provide, pray for and raise my kids. If that’s not a REAL mother, I don’t know what is. Each of my girls have a story, and that story began before Mike or I entered it. That story is not lost on us, and we honor that part of their lives and share it with them. But that doesn’t mean we are any less their mother and father. So, instead, I encourage you to use the term “birth mother/father” referring to Cady’s birth family. And “genetic family when referring to Nelly’s”. These are terms we use and terms that our children are familiar with. And as far as referring to Mike and I…we’re just momma and daddy. 😊 Their family. They’re real parents. That’s it. 

And lastly, referring to ANY child as “bought”. Oh yes, I’ve heard this one too. Surprisingly. It was meant as a joke, but I didn’t find it funny. It should be explanatory on this but I’ll still break it down, just in case. For this I revert back to my first point..I don’t OWN my kids. I did not pay for ANY of my kids. I didn’t look for them on a black market or participate in anything illegal. For both our girls’ adoptions, we had to pay agency and legal fees (and medical for Nelly’s), that go to process an adoption, just like you pay doctor and hospital fees to give birth to a child. That’s it. I didn’t give money to any birth/genetic family member for my kids or anyone else. They weren’t part of a sale. So for this one, I don’t really feel like I need to give an alternate option to say. Just don’t say it. Lol. 😘

I say all this because I really do want people to understand what they are saying and how it can hurt. When I hear the words “your own”, it’s like those words are stripping that sense of belonging away from one of my girls. And when I hear “real mom”, it’s like it’s being stripped away from me. And both break my heart. Both hurt in ways people can’t understand. And while I’m an adult and I can heal and move on. My children don’t need to hear these things. They don’t need to question where they belong or who they belong to. I want to feel like we can rejoice in what God has done, without worrying what people are going to say to our girls. Ultimately, I can’t worry about it because people will always say things. I just have to pray and trust God to guard their hearts. But it doesn’t mean I can’t try to educate. And yes, I know it is often said to Mike and I privately or in a way or girls wouldn’t hear it, but I promise you…if it’s part of your verbiage and vocabulary privately…you’ll slip and say it in front of them or someone else that has an adoption story at some point. And it’ll hurt. 

So I encourage you…no I beg you, please try and think about this the next time you’re talking to a family who has adopted or someone who was adopted. It’ll save them heartache and it’ll allow you to be more understanding and compassionate about your words. Thanks for sticking with me friends. I know this was a lot but I hope it helps and I hope all of this was received in love. That’s where it was coming from. Lots of love! ❤️